It started with an email.
Which didn't warrant a reply but received one anyways.
Then he showed up at my door.
Knocking that same pattern he always did, so you knew it was him.
It was 9pm at night & he held my favorite red wine in his hand.
That sweet smell is so familiar.
Like it never left my nostrils.
He walked through my house and reminded himself of the things that made me.
It wasn't all the same but what do you expect after four months?
I cleaned two glasses and attempted to open the bottle,
Till he took over - as always.
We glided to the couch, snuggled up, and smiled at each other.
I play background noise.
He asks how I am.
"Sad and stressed." I reply -
"Oh baby," He gave me that look... One of love & pity.
I still can't tell if I love it or hate it. He continued, "You're always sad."
We drank & laughed at what was supposed to be a horror series,
but chemistry made it hard to stay silent
The wine made it easy to make jokes.
He gets closer & laughs -
"Why are you laughing?" I ask seemingly confused but knowing the answer.
"It's been four months since I saw this face... I missed it."
"Who's fault is that?"
Uncomfortable giggle. Silence. A gulp of wine.
A look. A moment.
How does the world still stop when i'm with you?
I'm trying to figure out why my walls have been coming down by the minute.
Is it the wine?
I show him my work, I tell him i'm becoming successful.
I don't talk like this to anyone else,
He's still the only person I want to impress.
He says, "I knew you'd be a star."
I confess i'm scared of my fame. I cry.
His arms are like shelter, they hold me tighter & his words soothe my sad soul.
"I know, but you deserve to shine."
My heart can't take it, I kiss him.
It still feels like fireworks explode inside me.
Life starts making sense again.
We're in the bedroom.
It's fast & urgent. Clothes come off. Mouths lock.
The most intense sensation overwhelms my body.
I've missed the way your tongue feels, it graces more than my soft spot.
It tempts my soul.
I'm seeing stars. I'm in trouble.
"I've thought about you everyday for four months."
Our pillow talk is light.
I'm topless & getting high.
He's naked & tracing the places I was previously kissing.
I can tell he needed this, he isn't fucked properly.
"Our bodies just love each other."
We collapse into each other again,
this time it's a little more rough.
I can't catch my breath at one point, but I love it.
he holds me.
he tells me he's "such an idiot."
I wake up to a kiss goodbye,
It makes my heart smile.
I watch him leave.
I'm a little less sad.
I fall back asleep.
I think sometimes I get writers block because I refuse to put my thoughts into the world incomplete.
So here I am, one year later, re-writing MY version of an article that changed my entire perspective.
I woke up this morning on September 22nd around 10am.
The sun immediately bathing my vision & for a few short moments I forget I wasn't alone.
I really can't decide if I like sleeping alone better or not, is it an age thing?
My routine is something like - wake up, check my business, get ready, & then it's practically winging it from 3pm forward.
Wait - is this what normal 21 year olds do?
I've been doing sex work since the moment I turned 18
(omg, wow - I'm old)
& Truth be told i've explored almost every branch of it.
Sugaring, Cam, Providing, & Porn.
I truly don't think i've found anything that makes me happier.
& That's coming from the girl who literally wanted to be accepted in high school, like, so bad (lol) but really... I was definitely someone who felt like sex constituted how hot or how wanted I was.
If I wasn't slightly intoxicated i'd research the statistics of just how many teenage girls feel like they need to fuck everyone for the sake of HS popularity & then end up being shamed for it,
(count me as one of probably millions)
So for me to actually take on this industry & repress all those really harsh things I heard growing up - is truly one of my greatest feats.
So where does that bring me?
(Circle back, Alex)
When I turned 18 I left my High-school sweetheart of 2 years to pursue a "brand new" life in Los Angeles where I met my (former & first) sugar daddy.
I think being so young + being introduced to a lifestyle where you literally asked someone for money AND THEY JUST GAVE IT TO YOU was purely too addictive in itself.
I had my ex calling me at nights despite the 3 hour time difference & we'd talk as I laid in my SD's bed waiting for him to get home.
Call me fucked up but I think I got off on that.
I knew from the jump I'd have to sacrifice that crazy part of me that's been fueling my every motive for YEARS.
To be loved.
Not just by men, by everyone.
Being a sex worker means you basically come to terms with the fact that - more often than not, you will not be accepted.
By family, close friends, significant others...
Weird huh? We're all so sexual but when someone starts to profit it becomes taboo.
I must have missed the memo.
Back to 18 year old Alex.
Who's sitting in a hot tub with her old ass "boyfriend" & two close family members.
I just love to please.
I think it was in that moment I realized I couldn't go back to the once innocent, new found stoner I was in Maryland.
I couldn't keep stringing my kinda-ex along - who was 3,000ish miles away.
I couldn't keep loving someone because I began to lose the ability to really love.
I was so caught up in the high of sex work.
I wanted this life, all my life.
Sugar daddy was a bust. I realized sugaring wasn't my strongest forté.
& on a cold night in Cali, I heard
"Go ahead & be a slutty Instagram whore - you'll never make it like that."
(That's not exactly verbatim)
So guess the fuck what?
Alex turns 19...
& I found... MFC. I found.. Cam?
What the fuck was this glorious world of fun, naked women?
& thus Alex was born.
When Alex was born is when I met my ex-fiance.
Super civie, shady.
Have you ever tried starting a hobby that someone close to you was low-key manipulating you into not doing?
It was weird, I felt like I was being stunted on & supported.
I was finding my independence in ways I never knew I could & I was getting praise but when my independence got in the way of anything I felt... bad?
I also felt like ANYTHING pertaining to my career was second place due to the nature of it.
Its funny to think I did my first cam session at my ex's house...
Yet, when I wanted an agent HE was the one who convinced me it was a terrible idea.
I'm not blaming him, but... Love really is blinging.
But again, I was young.
Excited about the new money I was making.
The new name I had made for myself that was... really taking off.
& I don't know if anyone remembers my mid 2017 breakdown but... that's where camming comes to a pause.
Mid July 2017 is when I broke up with my fiancé.
I was really lost. This isn't the article to get into that, though.
I broke up with said fiancé, found a (terrible) rebound, & started to quit everything I loved.
I had three jobs (Personal assisting/budtending during the day + Camming at night)
& in a blink of an eye they were all gone.
I was broke, sad, & drained.
I was at my rock bottom, i'll never forget calling my mom at 4am & telling her how badly I needed to come home.
How badly i've fucked up my life.
& then, I called my best friend.
That's when we come to...
Alex is 20 & finds escorting.
No one knows this & considering everything that's been happening I genuinely do not care who knows now but I used to be an escort.
The reason I am not an escort can be explained with a simple quote from a vet. provider (aka my bestfriend):
"You have to want to Escort, Escorting isn't easy."
Here we are, hooking in Texas & trying to console the crying rebound I left at home.
Who NEVER understood sex work.
Who would make me SOB in the car, EVERY DAY because he couldn't begin to fathom how I pay my bills by selling clips of us fucking.
Who spent $300 on MY card - just to feel better about me hooking for a week to pay my bills.
I was busting ass in Texas (literally) to try to get my life together.
I was at this strangely low point in my life, where I really wanted to get back into camming but the person I "loved" made me feel terrible about it.
The person I gave parts of myself to couldn't accept the one thing that made me love myself.
How does one give up complete self love and acceptance for... compromise?
& There I was, exploring another way of making money the best way I know how because a man scared me away. Fucked me over. Did me dirty.
Ask me why I choose sex work over love again.
Do not date sex workers if you can't handle sex work.
I didn't last long in providing & I do NOT provide anymore.
It was fun when I was young but I am just not the type of person for it.
To be frank - I'm not strong enough.
At this time PH decided to choose me for Pet & I got back in contact w my ex-fiancé -
I jumped back on the internet world that I started in.
I went home.
Couple months after PH + PB - I just started to feel... like I needed to do more.
I expressed this concern to my fiancé and he decided he would start being my agent.
Listen - I hate to break it to y'all
But 9/10 a civie will not have good marketing ideas for porn.
Plus he wouldn't make porn with me, which wasn't that big of a deal but we lived completely different lives & I didn't know where to meet him halfway.
We also lived together?
This is when I caught him cheating.
So I did what I do best & ran away for a bit.
Decided to clear my mind.
Spent a week in Texas with my bestfriend in the world.
Here's what I realized:
Sex work changed my life the moment I was able to start doing it.
I grew up in a small town where I felt like I needed to get married & have kids & go to college to be... Successful.
The moment I realized I could be somewhat famous & comfortable doing sex work is the moment my entire life changed.
I never loved myself.
Until I saw how much other people could love me... without ever physically meeting me.
Why do I need love, societal love? When i'm loved by the people who actually care bout me most... The friends i've made on the internet.
I can be strong all by myself. I can be whole all by myself.
Sex work introduced me to an Alex I never knew existed - confident, strong, business oriented.
How beautiful is it that i'm 21 & have an entire career that I can say I put together all by myself...?
It makes people proud.
Here we are.
I am 21. Just got into Porn.
What is it like?
I am okay with what i'm doing.
I feel like i'm progressing.
I'm not going to get too much into it (all things considered)
But what is the price of my comfort?
What do I mean?
... What now? Is there more?
I... Don't have an answer.
I'm stuck -
I'm in this weird phase of my life where I feel like I need to do things to impress other people... Because I refuse to impress myself.
I have been in love with my bestfriend since I was 16.
5 years. It took almost 3 years to get him to accept the things I do
Why did it take long for someone who I would take a bullet for to
accept MY hustle when i've always accepted who they were...
It's insane how one little thing in my life could make or break someone.
It's insane how i'd let one little thing constitute my life.
It's insane how easily i'd give up my entire life that I love for someone who would probably give me up the moment my life got "too much".
So, I decide... Don't.
There are so many sex workers with significant others who share stories about the good... But mostly the bad.
I, myself, have also experienced it first hand.
Your significant other will do things like spend your money, make you feel guilty, make your ideas feel insignificant to theirs because it makes them feel better about what you do.
I've learned being in this industry is tough & the most important thing is surrounding yourself with positive energy.
The smallest amount of negative energy can break someone.
Especially coming from a significant other.
So why try?
(That sounds bitter, huh?)
I think if we really sat & debated if we chose our comfort over love,
most of us would chose our comfort.
I could never apologize for choosing my job over someone.
I think 18 year old Alex would disagree, she would have done anything for real love. But when you love yourself you don't need love from anyone else.
Weird concept, huh?
Takes time to grasp, takes awhile to understand.
Once you do I promise you'll agree with my point of view... I am never anti-love. I think it's so beautiful.
Just when it comes to you & your career,
Love will come when it's ready.