I think one of the most interesting things about our industry is how similar we all live. I mean, most of us spend A LOT of time at home. Know editing programs like the back of our hands. Know lighting, know film, know angles. We're like Jacks of All Media Trades & we all operate behind a computer screen.
My favorite part about being a cam girl is how ambiguous I can make my life. How much or how little I can let on to the 20,000 people who follow me. Twitter & Instagram make that so damn easy. You can literally make it seem like you travel the world even though you only went to Europe last summer. But that isn't the point.
I've become so intrigued with the things I do & the things I watch other girls do. I just wanted to start documenting it. Truthfully I wanted to start a podcast & interview girls but I realized i'm way more intimate of a person. Not just that, but I am a writer. Public speaking? We'll get to that. I also talk in photos. I photograph everything. I see beauty everywhere.
Anyways - I didn't/never know how to convey my ideas so I decided to start with myself.
A day in the life of Alex De La Flor...
Wake up, bake up, eat, plan. I keep a journal & a planner close by, always. I even color code.
Offline work for me consists of, Website care. Finances. Emails. DMs. Uploads. Edits. Future plans. I try to plan like three days ahead, insane huh? anyways, I normally get into a 2-3 hour work grind & eat breakfast.
Hella normal, right? Walk my dog. Check my business. Plan, plan, plan. Now that I do professional scenes - I've found myself darting out the door without doing any of this.
Camgirls have the luxury to sleep in, performers do not. Are these early call times gonna kill me?
I never make my bed, I sometimes clean up my apartment. I like to tediously organize my room because it helps my adhd. have I mentioned I rip the bong continuously throughout the day? Sometimes - depending on my mood. I could have a very productive morning or a very lazy one. Normally they all end up in a bath.
Bathe, maybe some makeup, more offline work. Is anyone else obsessed with Lush? Also Sake bomb - 10/10 recommend.
I'm super big into skin and hair care so my house is LITTERED with body care & such Ok - you can laugh that i still take bathes but then again, my skin is thanking me. Regardless, this time is when I simmer in boiling oil water and think. Baths really help creative block, y'know.
Hahaha I am so sorry if this is boring - I was never that good at talking about myself but also i'm just trying one of these out. I definitely feel like the more girls I interview the more interesting they'll become.
I actually came up with this while running my bath.
I started Cam at 19 & immediately fell in love. You all know this, right?
I took this picture while I was taking photos for the site - it's just so... Cam. This is what I do, in the still of the moment. I'm taking photos, i'm manipulating lighting, i'm trying to find the perfect positioning. It's harder than it looks! I promise you.
But it's all so worth it & it's just all so incredible.
For example my closest friend used to be so skeptical over what I was getting into but those warnings turned into praise once he saw all the damn work I put into everything. All the things I achieved so quickly. This was my calling. Everyone could see it, truly.
I stopped doing this for me a really long time ago & started to do it for all of you. I've probably shared more with internet strangers and other girls than anyone in real life. I'm really not lying when I shout, Sex work saved my fucking life. So thank you for that.
Hopefully this goes somewhere, becomes a little more put together. And hopefully you found this a little interesting. Hmm.. Maybe I just needed to write something?
So, I'm not sure how many of you are aware of exactly how many tattoos I have but apparently it is National Tattoo Day, therefore i'ma break my body art down for you. Starting from the first inked to last. Explanations & all. Here we go...
1. Lilac Tattoo
Okay, funny story - So growing up my backyard had this gorgeous Lilac tree that would bloom every Spring/Summer & my entire backyard would just smell amazing... Like delicious. I'd spend hours by that tree... Well when I turned 18 is when I was moving to California & we had to give that house up. I got this lil baby for my mom and my childhood home. Funny story? That's not actually a lilac, it's a lavender. I messed up on the concept photos lmao. But shhhh....
2. Mandala Piece
This one was drawn by my Highschool best friend, Caitlyn. She's super good at drawing & always doodling so as a tribute to our friendship (and for her 21st birthday) I got one of her drawings on my body.
3. KV Script
Kurt Vonnegut is my FAVORITE author. I've always planned to get multiple KV script quotes but didn't know where to start. So one night, it was late & I was scrolling through my favorite ones... This was the one that worked best. Thus my first KV tattoo, Everything Was Beautiful & Nothing Hurt (i've only met one other person with the same tattoo)
4. Universe Hands
In that same random night I also got this bad boy done. Truthfully it has no one exact meaning. To me - it's my reminder that the world is in my hands. I always tell people about how strong my intuition is & how one with the universe I am. I just wanted something on my body to display that. The fingers were supposed to be round but I had the artist make them claw shaped so the hands resembled mine. I've got the world tied around my fingers & nature in my palms.
5/6. Honey Piece
Little background, one of my names is Miel (it means Honey in spanish & tagalog) my Grandmother's name is also Miel. I got this honey spoon awhile back for her but it was so ugly... I had to get it touched up. So I met this lovely lady, Cali & not only did she fix it right up but she added probably THE dopest piece on my body. The honeycomb heart. Surpassed my goddamn expectations! For you, Lola - my role model. My favorite piece.
7. Remedia Amoris
Another Cali masterpiece! Remedia Amoris - Cures For Love. There's not much to explain, I love the poem. & dis ass is the Cure for Love.
8. Zodiac Moon
I am superrrr into Astrology, so it's only fitting I got this. Crescent moon w/ raindrops & inside are my (L to R) Moon, Sun, & Rising signs. Such a killer pieceeeeee - ugh, obsessed.
9. Violent Delights
When I first met my ex-fiancée he would say this to me like, all the time & I loved it. Had no idea where it came from but it spoke to me... So later, he introduced me to Westworld - I fell in love. Then I found out it was actually from Romeo & Juliet... Second favorite tattoo.
Don't get people's names tattooed on you, lmao... It's okay though, it's the first part of my sleeve.
THESE ARE MY ART. I hope you like them. I definitely plan on getting more. But I tend to get them as the time fits... Happy National Tattoo Day!
I'm like... a good few weeks late on this post, but hey. I'm always late, right? Hahaha. Anyways - June 1st marked my first year of being a cam model.
Oh my god, you guys have been dealing with me for an entire year?! Insane. Can we just take a moment and talk about how far we've gotten? From camming late nights at my dad's house, holed up in my room, trying to gain a following, and coming up with Alex De La Flor brand. To ranking in top 3000s every month, my own apartment, 20k followers on both socials, & securing my spot as Penthouse Pet Jan 2018.
I literally wish I could put into words just how amazed, thankful, and just plain shocked - I have never found something I loved with such an intense passion all I to do is go further. Camming has changed my life, in so many ways.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I owe all of you the world. I can't wait to see what this next year brings us.
From SW Sisters to my members - you all have taught me how to just love myself completely. You've all showed me so much support, support i've NEVER had in my life. The relationships i've curated over the internet have been some of my strongest.
All i've ever wanted was to do exactly what I wanted. & I do it every day. On snapchat, on twitter, instagram, cam. Can you believe that? It's all cause of you guys. Cause you guys saw the star potential in this shy asian girl & told her she could do anything she wanted if she just started believing - So she did. Here we are.
I grow everyday because of all of you. My heart is beyond full.
I have absolutely no idea how to start this. Let me start by saying, This IS NOT a bash blog. I am not writing this with the intention of calling out anyone, i'm not even gonna use full names. I know a good handful of people don't want me to do this but i'm not doing this for anyone but me. Writing has always been one of my outlets. My memory is terrible. Though i'll never forget this. I can't quite keep this bottled inside. I want to thank everyone who has said something kind to me today, I see you all & I appreciate every single one of you - I wish I could hug you all. You have no clue.
Let's start this story at the beginning.
I met CamLove while I was working at my second dispensary - he's a cutie, lemme tell you. Quite the charmer. It was early December 2016. I didn't notice him at first (he'd come in before) but I was working alone that night & we hit it off. I kinda did this thing where I hadn't talked to him until Mid-December. We had a date. He left for the holidays.
He came back January 2017 - This is when I decided to start getting serious. There's this one night that I was pissy-drunk out with my then friends & he showed up. I went home with him that night, it was history.
I fall in love super hard. But there was something about CamLove that just made me feel like time stopped. It's like he knew the right things to say & do. He knew how to play hard to get but still came over late nights for love. It was so sweet - I really felt so strongly. This month was the first interaction w/ his ex (let's call her Lily) So basically - we were on a date & Lily called, it flashed on his car screen. When I asked he was honest. It raised suspicious but it was like the first month so whatever. I think at some point I asked if I was a rebound upon finding out he had actually broken up with her a few weeks before we started dating and not a few months... sigh.
February 2017: I don't necessarily remember anything suspicious happening or me getting upset. I remember getting him a dope watch for Valentines, I remember being happy for awhile. Something tells me we may have had our first fight. It wasn't prominent enough for me to consider worthy enough to remember, I guess. But if I had to guess on what it was, I'd say I probably found a woman's article of clothing. I would find a lot of women's stuff around throughout our relationship - all seemingly the same size.
March 2017: Okay - so... First big fight (This is when Camlove claims he started dating his ex again, he is lying because I literally have a photo of him at his ex's family's house in Jan lol) Basically what happened was we were very drunk with my best friend, celebrating some type of sport event and he had became friends w his neighbors who were all female. Cool, I don't mind females at all - but they were hella condescending to me & he was oblivious as hell. Upon agreeing w/ my friend we didn't want to be with them, I had dramatically walked away from everyone after getting out of the uber. Camlove had no intention of chasing me, My friend found me & told me that he told her to just leave me (To walk around alone, drunk around 11pm), then I proceeded to go back to his house where i calmly packed up my stuff & unhung an entire rack of suit pants lol He kicked me out, over dramatically, & I dumped him. Shortly after we got back together...
April 2017: So - at this point our relationship is very rocky. Trust issues, blah. He had this terrible habit of getting super wasted & then blocking my number or putting it on do not disturb then calling me the next day (sometimes next night) claiming it's been dead all day and he's been sleeping. Trust me, whenever his phone would die around me he would jump to charge it. The man lives on his phone. Also this man wakes up at like 8/9am for work every morning, he is awake. Trust.
Soooo... Okay, one very significant thing happened this month for me. He goes to coachella religiously. He went last year (April 2017) & told me he was going with friends. No mention of his ex. He comes back home & tells me "Wow, you're such a cool girlfriend, so much better than my one ex vanessa she flipped when I left for coachella." (HAHA, wonder why - remember this)
May 2017: I can't remember if anything crazy happened during May, but he did take me to Portland for a weekend getaway... I never thought anything of it till now. Guilt trip? Haha.
June 2017: At this point i'm pretty sure we're just on and off fighting because i just kept getting upset at all the fucking signs.
- wouldn't let me keep things in his house, was very adamant about me not leaving a thing - sometimes i'd come over & my shower necessities were hidden - never put a photo up of me once, never put any of my stuff up, all my presents given to him were hidden in the closet - he was crazy weird about me never going into the closet. - Also, regarding the breakups, we'd only break up for like a week (remember that too!) - He would take snapchat stories & make sure you couldn't hear me in them (he'd put his ear up to it n all)
BUT LISTEN TO THIS - he had planned us a trip to Hawaii for my birthday & made dinner reservations to this place called N/Nyaka. I noticed on my birthday he brought someone to the place. He does this thing where he makes sure no woman are ever in his snap stories (me & my friends included) So I could tell it was a woman with him, he lied to me telling me it was a business partner or something but - intuition, baby. He's never come clean about this either.
July 2017: We made up because my best friend was flying into town & he wanted to meet her plus we were staying at his house because we couldn't stay at mine. He wasn't very excited about it (even though he airbnbs his house out like all the time.) & told me he needed at least the weekend apart. Whatever. Gave it to him, didn't think of it. Except for the night of that weekend he disappeared & when we came back I found a woman's dress tag along with a woman's shirt in his bedroom. I got pissed & stole the shirt. Dumped him. Left. Whatever.
I don't remember how or why but we got back together later that month.
August 2017: (don't worry we're almost done, I told you it's a lot) Sooo... At this point we're breaking up and making up every other week because my gut is screaming at me all night, every night that I shouldn't trust him. It's a terrible feeling man, do know someone's cheating but having 0 real proof. I think I just lost it at one point because he went to San Francisco (I remember he told me for business) But I noticed a woman figure in one of his snaps & he denied up n down it was anyone he knew. (Also remember that.) So we broke up for like a long while. I was tired of it. I was tired of feeling so crazy & lied to. I needed a break. Like how many times can you honestly handle someone lying right to your face?
October 2017 - December 2017: I was working on getting my own apartment & had rebounded to an old coworker. We were apart at first but still talking every so often - One night I had invited him out & something just felt so wrong I ended up crying on his floor and leaving. He told me it would be over if I did, I did. Soooo.. Like towards November? We got back in contact, he even came to like my thanksgiving family thing. All seemed chill. We officially got back together in late December when all had finally settled down for both of us.
January/Feb 2018: Okay - this is a tough two months for me to explain because I don't quite remember the timeline but - At this point my roomie & I had a falling out so she was moving out. The first week of Jan was stressful but good between us. I can't remember when this incident happened (if it was in late Jan or Late Feb) but at some point his ex girlfriend breaks into his house & apparently steals a bunch of things. Here's what happened from my POV - Spends all weekend at my place. Gets an ambiguous text from ex. Freaks out. Goes home. Tells me he going to pool (which is infront of neighbors house). Tells me his ex is there. Tells me he's gonna go drink. Around 5pm I hear nothing from him until two days later at 5pm. His explanation: He came home & saw her, immediately left - doesn't remember telling me he'd go to the pool, changed that and said she had parked in the neighbors spot which is next to the pool (ok) goes to a bar, comes home & tells me she broke in. stole MY stuff. stole his cat. and like rubbed chocolate on his couch (there was no evidence of chocolate on his couch lol) just like a bunch of things & told me he didn't text me cause he was so depressed? lol ok. This was like after I met his brother (first family member I met in a year, mind you CamLove has met all my family) So I dumped him for a good week. We have this really long talk and all is seemingly okay. He admits to very vaguely cheating last year and still talking to his ex but never truly explaining anything with any real detail. I forget it, we move on.
March 2018 - May 2018: We're probably the BEST months of our entire relationship, i'd never been happier. This man was referring to himself as my future fiancé, we basically moved into my lil apartment. It was pure, ignorant bliss. Little to my knowledge though. All those suspicions were gone though - I felt like we were finally in our own world.
June 2018: God where do I begin?
Alright. 6/3 - We go to a diner in the morning for breakfast. He sees his ex's ex husband (confusing) so he notifies me & I ignore it all cause I don't see why I need to worry? We leave & when we get home I find out this man had recorded a video of me walking away w/ CamLove. And sent it to his ex. His ex then proceeded to call CamLove's brother asking for dirt. Who in turn called CamLove. Now - if a woman has been out of the picture for x amount of months why is she wondering who I am & why is her ex taking photos of me? So - my suspicions are back. Full force. I start to get into it with CamLove asking him to please give me her number, i'm just tryna talk. I end up having to find her number over the web. Omg. And I was so upset at this point that I just went off, I tried fighting this woman. Going to her house and fighting.
I AM NOT VIOLENT. But three strikes & you're out man. He told me three times before he'd handle it and she is still around?! So I took matters into my own hands, albeit very. very emotionally fueled & childishly. So anyways I said some very rude things to this woman. ALMOST went to her house to fight her. Decided against it, came home. Told CamLove to get his stuff out, give me my key, & leave.
This is where I shouldn't admit any of what I did next but if you were me & the love of your entire life has just sparked a raging fire of skepticism then you'd do the same. I found her instagram, I found her facebook. I found out they were together the entire time he was dating me. He went to coachella with her (I have the photo - also remember what I told you in April?), he was with her in March (Got the photo), June (Photo), I forget about May but who really knows... I ended up just asking about SF in August, he admitted it was her (though he mentioned being with a group of people as if that would possibly matter. I have no proof of them being together recently... But wait till we get to last night.
I spent the entire past week just trying to talk to this man. Try to get something out of him or try to get him to see my side, so desperately. I've never felt like I was being listened to but not heard at all. It was like talking to a wall who was convinced this was all my fault. He was so convinced his ex was innocent. That confused the hell out of me... I kept trying to explain how hard it is to continue us when what I thought we've been building was an entire lie. Like all of it, dude. Never had he once admitted to seeing his ex at any point last year. When I finally broke & just sent him uncanny evidence (because he was STILL lying) He came clean about almost everything, things I didn't know 100% he didn't admit to. It's fine, I can piece a lot together. She leaves a good paper trail.
So we get to this point around Thursday/Friday where we start talking & he's admitting to things. Apologizing because he said he realized he hurt me, he fucked up, he wishes it was different. Very monotone & insincere. He had been expecting me to apologize & ask him to come back all week... uh. So it's late, we're barely chatting - we don't really come to a good agreement. He falls asleep, so I do too. We wake up the next day, spend all weekend together. It feels... Okay. He seems happy. Weird.
So - Saturday night comes around & he left that morning. I had a party to go to and had plus ones so I told him he could come. He was iffy because I hadn't invited him previously but ive never invited him to things before he just comes. It was like our thing. We just agreed he'd come and he'd be around by 8/9
Okay, I had been uneasy all day just because I didn't feel right. I was deep in thought & brought up an open relationship (many people cannot do this, I can. He could not but pretended he could) My reasoning was because it wasn't fair I wasted time being loyal while he wasn't. His reasoning was he only went back to her because I broke up with him so much.
This was not true, I broke up with him cause of her. So cyclical. I'd find traces of her - ask him - he'd lie - i'd know it - i'd break up w him for a week - we'd get back together. He told me that he only goes back to her when I dump her, that's a lie lol. (He was with her for the entire year we were and I literally have proof. Achem, above)
Also, I want you guys to know I left out a few details because they are too personal to share with all of you. But this is essentially the nutshell of it all, what you need to know.
okay - so anyways, he tells me his phone is gonna die & stops texting me. We left it on a bad note. I continued to do my thing. Did my makeup, cammed, etc. Texted him at 10:30 & my messages went through but my texts wouldn't? Ok. I am not dumb. I know technology very well. When iPhones are dead, text messages normally do not go through. Also, I called & it went straight to voicemail until I finally left a voicemail & my second call went right through (Do Not Disturb, much?) So when he answers he speaks quietly, there's noise in the background, my flags are all so raised. I asked where he was, "Home. About to go to bed." LMAO - he was gonna ditch me and not even tell me. At this point i'm so angry we just get. into. it. He hangs up on me & I drove to his house at like 11am - he lives an hour away so I got there about 11:45 - walked upstairs & deadass knocked/rang for 40 minutes. Until a group of people came upstairs. (I had my back turned) But then I heard her name, "Lily" & when I whipped my head around - there he was. Standing there in pure shock. I asked if she was with him & lost my shit - no details on that, apologies. But cops were called. That bitch also hid lol. But that's Off-Topic.
Anyways - he basically told me that he hit her up the moment I told him I wanted an open relationship. EVEN THOUGH he told me he did not want to start that tonight. Wow. When he was walking my stuff to my car (he wouldn't give it to me) he said "it's sick you tried to test me like this. Knowing i'd go back to her. Asking for an open relationship. Is this what you wanted?" At this point I said my goodbye, drove away, & this morning saw a pic of them still together. (Good luck with all that, mama - he's 1000% yours)
Look - let me explain myself to you all. This was not for attention, not for sympathy, not to dox him. My mommy taught me that I can't make anyone love me & unfortunately he did not love me like he loved her. I don't blame him for his feelings, you can't help those. But I do blame him for destroying mine. My heart is so hurt. This is a man who I woke up to almost every single morning, I wore a ring for him, I was so beyond ready to throw in the towel in September. Call it naive, call it being hopelessly romantic, call it pure denial. I donno - I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I've loved this man like no other man & he just threw it all away - telling me I threw it away.
Ladies, please trust your guts. Am I sad? Yes! Am I depressed? No. Because I was more miserably & began to hate myself because I began pretending that I didn't know what had happened again. When you know the truth you can't live in blissful ignorance. He was not ready to face the truth, he wanted it buried deep. How could we bury it deep when you keep her on the surface, always? It's very liberating to know you did your best & you just can't quite help people who suck. I was starting to think this was my fault, it is not. Yes - I acted terribly. But I definitely gained control back before I let the rage get the best of me.
I really wish I could tell you all what I did but it's slight not legal so let's just not snitch on ourselves. So let's just forget it & know that an adult would not have done that. But I forgive him. I do. I don't want anything to do with him but he was good at acting like a good boyfriend (good boyfriends do not have two girlfriends ok unless they both know about each other)
I don't regret any moment together. I don't wish anything bad onto him. He's an asshole but oh well. That's life, ya'll. At least i'm not the one being lied to now. Yknow? lol Her choice. Her life. Whatever.
Just know I might not be 100% okay now but I will be. The universe has a funny way of looking out for us. To bring things to our attention at just the right times... It's just up to us to see them or not. I finally saw the truth. I'm not going to let this make me bitter, i'll let it be a learning lesson. Once someone told me "You know when your significant other is cheating, you just know" I just knew. Trust your gut. Okay? It"ll be okay. I'll be low-key listening to every sad song & my Insta captions are gonna be all hopelessly romantic again but It'll be chill. Strong girl.
Dear Stanley, I have no ill will towards you. I hope she makes you happy. I was so ready to give you a house, a wife, & a baby in the future. I was waiting till September. I was waiting for us to start traveling the world. Why am I writing this part? (Who knows if you'll ever see it.) Just know, the good moments between us will forever stay with me. Dancing in your living room to Saturday Night Inside Out. That one thing we shared for a brief week. Portland. Meeting each others siblings & adoring them. Sharing pet children. I have a tattoo for you. Because you asked. Spending every goddamn second together. I could just go on forever...
These moments have shaped me into such a better person, you helped me grow. For that, I will love you forever & a day but I can never be with you again. Somebody new is comforting you, the way I thought I was.
You told me I was a star, you told you fell in love the moment you laid eyes on me. Even if you didn't completely mean it, it raised my confidence every time you'd say it - so thank you. Thank you for being kind, helping me out when I need, & comforting the depression days.
I'm deleting all the tweets about you because I don't want anyone to harass you or make you feel bad for what you did. You don't need a constant reminder when you log into twitter.
I want us both to find people who make us happy. You fucked me over, very badly & I can't forgive you for that. But I can forgive you for loving two people and not knowing how to let the other down easy. A year and 6 months is too long though. It becomes cruel intentions at that point, baby. Maybe one day we can be acquaintances.
I guess these violent delights really do have violent ends.
Okay, so where do I start... Well first, how are you? I hope you're doing well. The past two weeks I have been suffering from intense anxiety & to be honest I had no clue why up until a few days ago.
So let's start with nominations. I don't exactly know how many people voted for me & I never will, I can't pull up stats or receipts. But I have always been intensely intuitive.
And... I have been done an injustice. In my honest opinion, This nomination was rigged & someone somewhere decided I didn't make the cut. Now, this IS NOT saying that the girls who were nominated did/did not deserve it. Everyone deserves it. We're all such hard workers. But I have severely suspicious instances that just don't add up & i'm not going to spend time to list them. But they are there.
So... I took to Twitter to rant, I guess someone at Xbiz saw because a few days ago I got the call to be a "Trophy Girl" I asked what that meant & was informed I would be handing out trophies to winners. In any. other. instance. I would have been ecstatic & jumped for the moon - But this felt like an INSULT. Rubbed in deep w/ salt. To stand there and hand out trophies that I so badly wanted & felt that I so strongly deserved. I turned it down.
This is where things get shady. The representative who is handling Xbiz took a complete 180. She went from super sweet & inviting to cold & blatantly ignoring me - When I told her that I had to think about the position, she immediately asked me why. (This is when she also informed me that its MANDATORY to follow the schedule) When I declined the position, she never even replied. When she sent the initial contract, she voided it, then sent a new one (post decline) When I decided this morning I wasn't going, I emailed her & she didn't reply either.
I'm glad that I am not going, I don't regret any of my decisions. I took the time to apologize to Scout, my roomie - because honestly she was the only reason why I decided to still go. But I just couldn't handle it anymore. I feel bad that I had already purchased a plane ticket & i'm this far in but as I said I am no sell out. You can't dangle some bullshit incentive in front of me as if i'm a cat that will take the bait. I won't.
I can safely say I will never be attending Xbiz again. & I highly suggest everyone beware of that company.
Hello, my loves! April is over & May is hereeeeee, are you excited? April was quite a month for me... Lets see, -> I met the amazing Nova Patra & hosted her (plus her husband) ->My sets for Playboy Plus dropped ->Had my first trip to Vegas to visit Brenna Sparks ->I collaborated with so many other girls like Ashlee Juliet ->also with the lovely Emily Bloom which led me to another photography mixer... ->we finished top 3000 on MFC!
So yeah, I would say April was a good month. Ironically it's raining today.
So what did I learn in April? & What was my most prominent moment?
This April I learned how to truly explore my sexuality.
I have identified as straight until I turned 17 and realized I kinda liked girls. I had a slew of threesomes with friends, drunk make-outs, and the occasional sexually fueled bathroom moment. Then I realized that I loved everybody, regardless of what/how they identify. I then transitioned from straight girl to pansexual then continued to live my life.
A very... Interesting moment for me was when I was last in Miami & had a long-night type fueled threesome with a former best friend of mine which turned from team effort into a one on one (plus a vibrator) It was truthfully one of my top five sex moments. So genuinely sexy, such raw emotion, & need I go on? Anyways - I had fucked her with the vibrator I brought into bed with all of us & made out with her while the he watched. A true moment of pride for me. Funny, huh? How dominating another woman, a friend, was so liberating & prideful for me. Making her cum was beautiful.
So whhyyy am I explaining this deliciously explicit story to you? I'll tell you, give me a minute! Basically - as few of you know I have been in a long term relationship for about a year and some months. We are at the point where we are ready to experiment, oh yes.
This was also around the time I had my two dude threesome which changed my life.
So what do you do when you're stuck up on the feeling of two dicks? You don't want to take home some girl from the bar for a threesome? And you start to feel so guilty for not fulfilling your partners sexual fantasies that you start to guess your sexuality?
I basically sat my significant other down & told him I didn't think I was as pansexual as I thought I went back to being straight :(
Sexuality is fluid.
This year I decided was all about branching out. Given this disappearance back into the world of sad heterosexuality, I felt like I wasn't staying true to my resolution.
My roomie moved out this month & I had the place to myself for a week, during this time I met up with Ashlee & Emily to make content.
Ashlee is an AMAZING girl who is so talented & so young, just starting out but already so immersed in the internet world. She's sweet, a stoner, & we spent the entire day making 4/20 content. Was way too fun. We even found the ways we were connected & how funny it took all this time for OUR paths to finally cross.
Emily is a wonder. She's a Ukraine model who inspires the fuck out of me. A perfect body, face, & mind. We had such a connection shooting we met up again later that week to take over a model mixer. Topless on the roof together, I think we definitely made a new & promising friendship.
Making G/G content was going so good I agreed to accompany my friend Rey to Vegas! My first time there where I met the famous Strip & beautiful Brenna Sparks - We spent the evening filming, playing in the hotel on periscope, & drinking. Only to end it with a dope ass buffet - ya girl loves food.
When I came back home I had to honor to host Nova Patra & this is where our story comes full circle. Nova is one of the women who inspired me to change the direction my brand was going. I really wanted to hone in on the art aspect of filming erotica. Her creativity floors me.
We spent five amazing days getting to know one another & filming the NPE video (One of my BEST videos) As I learned more about her. I really did learn more about myself.
The most important out of all these things is that I am, 100%, pansexual.
During our time in the rain room I was so nervous because this was a much more intimate scene then what I had been doing, I was talking myself up but intimacy is harder than friendship - But as soon as I touched Nova it felt like all was right in the world. I felt electric sparks in my body, all the chemistry. The footage tells it all.
This video means so much to me because it is the exact moment that I rediscovered my love for the female body captured on film. I couldn't thank Nova enough.
I realized that real. true passion is what I crave in a human being - Not a penis nor a vagina. Just a pure, soul craving connection. The want to touch, kiss, feel that other body is what I need to be attracted. I want to live out the moments where I think back & I am just completely breathless.
This is what I live for. This is what I cam for.
It was never a question of my sexuality, it was my comfort. Through a little bit of experimenting throughout the month I feel stronger. More confident. More... Dominant in my sexuality. (Did I mention the full moon is in Scorpio?) I feel reborn this month, like I have truly conquered my last bit of sexual conflict. It's a great feeling, & thus April showers bring May flowers. We are back on our path of growth.
Hello my loves - So, hey. What's up? How are you doing? Doing okay? First - I want to say I am so sorry to my SW sisters who have been grossly fucked over by the new bills. I'm in fear of our future, but I truly have hope for us. We are strong. We are resilient. We will be okay. Second - I wanted to apologize for not touching my blog in so long lol i've been running around like a mad woman. My playboy set dropped, the first one. I just finished up an amazing photoshoot with a well known performer. My rent paid. Aye. Shit takes work though, truthfully - I continuously bust my ass for ya'll but I love it. I love my Alex Army.
So anyways back to the point of dis blog. Mercury is in FUCKING RETROGRADE. I donno if anyone can tell but i've been losing my mind, which leads me to battle with "Is this mercury?" or "Is this my manic depression?" (It's both) I haven't been feeling down. The thing with manic depression is you also have "highs" I always thought my highs were intense partying and dangerous behavior but now that I slowed my roll... I convinced myself I wasn't experiencing these "highs" I truthfully felt like maybe my manic depression turned into seasonal depression. But no... Now that I am old(er) & less inclined to drown my emotions in bottles, I don't have a "high" outlet. My "high" outlet is literally the intense four day mood swing i've been dealing with. I literally feel like I could be losing my mind. Is the weed helping?!
The answer is who knows. Am I okay? Yes. I have dealt with my mood swings, depression, & mental health for years. Almost a decade. I was 13 when I realized my brain chemistry was messy. I was 16 when my therapist confirmed it. I am now in my 20's & I wake up happy practically every day. I do have my down day(s) but I have learned healthy coping. Life is all about learning.
Do you wanna hear a funny story? Maybe two. Okay - In light of 4/20 i'll tell ya'll how I became a stoner. I'll also tell you about my first TERRIBLE high.
So - back in high school I had this serious boyfriend who dealt weed to like everyone I knew. It was super cool but I had been telling people I was allergic to weed for like 3 years now? (I was a senior in HS during this) I told Dude & he was like "There's NO WAY." I swiftly avoided partaking in any smoking shenanigans until one night - On valentines Dude looked at me & said the most romantic thing, "I rolled you a blunt"
SO I SMOKED MY FIRST BLUNT. (technically second but we will get to that)
LMAO - This was at my childhood home in Maryland My mom was sleeping upstairs (sorry, mom) I wish I had some crazy fun tripping story to tell ya'll but I don't. This is just how I fell in love with marijuana. Look at lil me. Pre-hoop. Post-emo phase. Awe.
By now you may be wondering a few things. A couple of which might be, "Why did you tell people you were allergic to weed?" "How was this not your technical first blunt?"
Let me explain.
Growing up in a small ass town you get super bored so I actually did smoke weed before 17. A few times, actually. The first time I truthfully did not get high. The second time I did not get high either. I swear on all that's holy I remember hanging around everyone who was high and being like "What the fuck is wrong with you? What is wrong with me?"
So then I met this kid who is now a producer. Hey you, if you're reading this.. Remember this? I had dated him for awhile & just broke up with his friend (who was sitting across from us bc we were at his house) There was some random kid who brought the blunt & it was passed in proper rotation. After about... 5 minutes, I felt gone.
The same moment was happening over and over and over again. This moment was my ex mentioning the weed being very strong. My bf & I agree. The blunt dude then proceeds to say, "The blunt is laced with PCP."
Yo - I have never & will never intentionally do PCP, this was completely accidental & I was not aware of the situation I was being brought into. It was super fucked up. I was like 15. So after it finally resonated what exactly was happening I got up and left. Alone. It was super hot that day bc Summer so I didn't make it far until I passed out in a flower bed.
My moms best friend ended up finding me & taking me home. I slept on the couch for 8 hours - my mom told me I was so dehydrated she almost took me to the hospital.
This is when I decided I'd never smoke weed again. Until I met Dude & he convinced me weed was not bad. Which WEED IS NOT BAD. (p.s. NEITHER IS SW!)
& Here we are.
So moral of the story?
1. Always ask what's in your blunt 2. Telling people your allergic to weed works 3. Mercury is fucking us all, keep calm.
As I write this, I am running a bath & getting into cam mentality. Self love above everything else - my body needs some love. What is self love? Why does my body need love? Because I work from 9am to 12am, non-stop, to pump out killer content.
For me self love includes a nice Lush bath before cam - trapping my ridiculous dog in my bathroom turned sauna (he asks for it tbh)
It's been so rainy this week in Los Angeles & it's taken a toll on my mood. Ironic coming from someone who ADORES the rain - it's always rainy in Maryland, baby. But I can't help to admit that rain definitely puts me in a sad little stupor. Donno why. Curse you SDD. That's not the point.
The point is that this time last year I was friends with these girls who I felt like built me up - Now in the sense they did, I definitely found a confidence I never knew I possessed But I also never knew what it felt like for someone to use you. Not saying I had a lot to use but i've been pretty connected in the LA scene & there was definitely someclout to steal. These are also the girls I flew out to Miami that left me on the last day, lol. LADIES - no harm, no foul. I get it. Ya'll let this life get to you. But you should never bite the hand that feeds you.
Bringing me to the point of THIS post - 2018 had already brought new & more beautiful people into my life. I have found new souls to nourish mine. New souls to teach mine. Amongst these souls is beautiful Natasha - (@Tashkeeee on Instagram) Who I had the chance to meet through an ex & ended up shooting these STUNNING pictures for her portfolio.
God... I never knew sexy secretary could look... So good. Russian girls, man, putting us all to shame.
Nonetheless - why am I making this blog post? To show off my hidden photography skills? No. To show off my gorgeous friend? No.
I'm making this post (& more to come in the future) to help empower my fellow women. We are in a weird transitional period where our hobbies, our outlets, & our intellect is being put to the test. I want to build up my female friends. I want to show the world the beauty that I get to experience in my day to day life. I want to share this with you.
In our industry it is so hard to find real friends - Real humans who understand you, sympathize + empathize you, & experience the world with you. I often find myself paranoid of who to trust. I think a lot of evil people have their eyes on me. Tasha is not a sex worker but she's a pole dance, in that we find a middle ground. You CAN have "vanilla" friends in this industry. They do exist. (You ain't all that vanilla though, Tashhhhh)
When you do find these people, Female or Male. Sex worker or Vanilla. Older or Younger. I hope you treasure them & hold them close. You really do find your real friends after graduation, its funny how my group of friends right now is drastically different from those last year. But that's life. I'm learning to open up more. I'm learning to spot those who are enemy getting closer & those who genuinely look out for my well-being. I'm learning that I don't need fake friends.
Life is better when you rid the poison. Find those who want to help you grow.
My boyfriend told me I should to something kind for myself today, so I choose to blog. As I was on my way to pick up food I was brainstorming things I could start to write about (considering this blog is basically going to be an outline of my shenanigans - past & present) I realized, what better way to start than with THE start? I'm sure many of you have no idea where I came from. Possibly found me perusing Insta, Twitter, and/or MFC - who knows. The important thing is you're here now. The question is, how did we get here? Let me tell you.
It all began when I graduated my small town high school. I think half my friends went off to college, my mom had moved to Florida, & I was living with my dad (who was planning on moving to California) I was freshly 18 & just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (it ended bad, obv.) I have this funny way of coping which includes drastic life changes - I.e. Deciding to move to California with my dad. SO - at the end of August 2015, I packed up all my stuff (including my 70lb dog) into a Uhaul, & we drove for 4 days. From Frederick, Maryland to Los Angeles, California - I had arrived.
When I first arrived here I lived with my dad & some of our immediate family... I really missed my friends, I was pretty lonely for two months. Around October I got a job at a pretty famous dispensary/pipe shop & soon began sleeping with my boss. NOW - I am not going to get into the deliciously explicit details of our relationship (those are for other times, I promise we'll get there) But I will give you a nice, solid rundown:
It was a warm night in October & I had just finished dinner with my dad - We we're driving down the main road by my home when I pulled over very quickly and decided to drop a resume off. There was a man outside, surveilling the area & as soon as my mini-dress cladded ass glided by he followed me in. I was in the middle of introducing myself and dropping off said resume when the sweet sales associate & I were interrupted by said man. Boy, did he give me a look. I didn't experience the saying "if looks could kill" till now - Cause I am almost positive that man wanted to eat me senseless on the illuminated glass counters at that. very. moment. BUT, like us Cancers do so very well, he kept his cool while introducing himself & interviewing me. I walked out with a job.
The intimacy started one particular Halloween shift when I jokingly asked him to fix my garters. Little did I know the man would ask me for my panties & would hold them in his pocket only to smell them at home later on. This was the FIRST time i've ever experienced something like this. I was so turned on. I did what I was told, calmly leaving the bathroom & gently putting my bundled wad in his hands. That. Fucking. Look.
At this point I was getting my groove back, that mischievous bad girl that people in high school were so afraid of was coming out to play. My childhood friend had introduced me to a bunch of his friends that lived near me (love you, Slight!) His friends took me out & introduced me to their friends. I met so many amazing people, I know so many geniuses.
CAN WE JUST TAKE A MOMENT & TALK ABOUT HOW INCREDIBLE THE MILLENNIAL LA CULTURE IS? Everyone I met was an artist & they were NICE. INSPIRING. BRILLIANT. If any of you end up reading this, you know who you are & I love you. I hope you're doing good out there. Do good by our late friend.
Back to that look... That night he who shall remained unnamed drove me to my car (our shifts ran late & we had to park on the streets) He listened to me babble for a bit before kissing me, I immediately fell into it. I COUDLNT BELIEVE IT. A quick steamy make-out/fingerbang later & I was on my way home... The rest is history.
I ened up miserably hiding our relationship from coworkers (yes, one even walked in on us) Becoming the obvious favorite which created some drama between myself & other girls, was consistently berated by this man who initially was very sweet - but turned out to be veryyyy bitter. (One time I was on my way to a photoshoot and he broke up with me - the reasoning was "I don't want to date some girl who aspires to be an Insta hoe" well, HA. Look @ me now) THOUGH it wasn't all bad, what he lacked in emotion he made up for with funds. Haha. I was spoiled with weed delights, money, & good meals. I felt like I could take a little emotional abuse here & there. Kill 'em with kindness, right?
So... We had worked out this sweet routine. I was over almost every day, both of our dogs got along (RIP Bubs), I played hot trophy wife by day & party baby by night. It was a weird time in my life. I was really just trying to find my ground.
One particular girl I had met through some friends offered me a job, I accepted & started working part time as a legal secretary/personal assistant at a law firm. Fun shit. Tough shit. But I met my first CA bestfriend there. I was slowly weening myself off my sugar daddy (Looking for a new one/Staying at the dispensary to continue to network), I was helping my new friends break up with their SHIT boyfriends (bye Gamb, bye Jonathan), & trying to save up for my apartment.
At some point, unnamed decided to become a - little - more protective over me. Meaning: I would flirt with customers at work to convince them to buy some things & he would become very jealous over it I think our age difference (24 years apart) really started to rub him the wrong way. I was truly becoming out of his league. We ended up fighting & he fired me. Yes - to everyone I told that I quit, I was actually fired. SIMPLY BECAUSE I was just a little more flirty towards a customer & refused to apologize. I walked in the next morning to, "Why are you here?" I walked out that same door I walked in & I knew my time there was over. My damage had been done.
I was feeling my breakup pretty hard, per usual, but this time I took a whole three months to heal. I ended up dating some rebound kid from my hometown & hiding out there for two weeks. Then making him fly back + forth for me. Long distance sucks. I was really depressed & as much as I should've hated my ex - I really missed him. Oh the joys of being 18.
When I came back from home - I had scored another job at a dispensary! That was a surprise. The owner & I just clicked - I started almost immediately. I fell into a super sweet routine at my job, patients took a liking to me, my coworkers/managers liked me. It was good. I was starting to do good. I was still dating that rebound though.... I think I ended up dumping him when he got back home after like the 6th time visiting me. If i sound mean while I refer to him it's because he told a bunch of people at home I gave him mono. Are we in middle school? Dumped him. My friendships became stronger. BUT I DID GO BACK TO MY EX, ugh. Now - here's where it gets tricky. You still following?
I started to see my ex again (my first boss, 42 yr old, sugar daddy) but it wasn't as monogamous as it was before - He was actually "cheating" on me with the girl he replaced me with (she also looked like me lol)
So instead of making a fuss, I sat & stack my money - while I started to fuck my new boss.
Fucking my new boss is a story that I will have to draft out before I post, there are a lot of details I can't include due to his identity. But I fell hard. (Let's call him New Daddy) He was so sexy, so broken, & so similar to my soul. We talked countless nights about running away together, getting married, having kids. It was an intense, fiery love affair I was thriving off this secret touches we shared at work - nobody had the slightest clue. I was dreaming of those hotel nights. those late night house calls. I was entertaining the idea of leaving our significant others for each other & call it all quits. (& Yeah, the sex was incredible. But he had an off-putting cumface)
I can't remember why or what or how it all happened but I ended up leaving my ex - for good.
I didn't do it for my new boss though, surprisingly. These violent delights have violent ends, yknow? & our time together was just that - a violent delight. I still love him though, I see him from time to time & every time I go to visit my old job. If/When I do see him I just melt in my panties (I think he does to) Sexual chemistry is so intriguing. I don't think ours will ever go out. (Also - I got the "-" thing from him. HAHA)
I left my ex because I was tired of being his bitch. I was finding articles of other girl's stuff ALL over the place. Our rottie had just passed. I wasn't getting what I deserved. I remember telling him I was leaving & packing up all my stuff with tears in my eyes. He never fought for me before - sometimes it is really too late. & Out his door I went.
So baby girl was single, still employed, not as heart broken, hoeing out with her friends. I was just partying for like... 2-3 months straight lol I had some very, very fun times - it was good. It was really good. I was getting over my string of broken relationships, building up my confidence, & I just discovered... Cam. Girls.
Everything happened very. fast. I think it was around October? November? - I had stumbled upon a few cam girls profiles & became completely invested. They seemed so happy, so vivid, so naked. I LOVED being naked and these girls are getting paid to be naked?! The way I usually do things is 1. Speak my idea into existence, 2. Give it some time to simmer in the Universe pot, 3. Get to work when the time feels right. So I kept working my two jobs, saving money, partying.
& that's when I met Stanley. Love of my life. I could literally write an ENTIRE blog post on my love for him. But... I'd digress.
I was working night shift at the dispensary when my sweet baby strolled in I was dancing, minding my own, & starting to tend him. We smiled at each other. Making some small talk. I jokingly asked him to dance for me AND HE DID. He walked out with my number. It's been a year & we couldn't be more in love.
Thank you baby. You always tell me I am a star. You have always supported me, put me on a pedestal, treasured me. You helped me start to love myself. It was your little motivating messages & constant admiration that helped me take this step. I could not begin to explain, how you have changed my entire life for the best.
One night, I sat in my room. Rolling up a joint. High on life. Texting my best friend about my new decision. I was going to start camming. I had been following these girls for about two months now & I think i've done enough research. Starting with Snapchat, then customs, then livestreaming (I am VERY shy - I had to work my way into it) We spent probably two hours throwing names back & forth till we both decided
Alex De La Flor was born.
I contacted a friend from home who started my website, I made a business PayPal, & I changed over ALL my social media. I was so ready to take on this world. I still am. I made a schedule - the first few months were just snap, I collected a good snap following. Then custom videos, those began picking up. Then, it was time to go live. I knew from the moment I started live-streaming this was the life for me. The freedom, the sexual acceptance, the people. This community is my favorite. I would have NEVER achieved the things I have thus far if it wasn't for that little leap, broken relationships, goals not being reached fast enough. Out of all the people I know I think i'm the hardest on myself when it comes to achieving things in a timely manner. Meaning, I thought i'd have a new car & new crib by 19. I am 20 - only of of those things is true. Becoming a camgirl had also taught me how to love myself. Stop being so hard on myself. It's taught me the true meaning of self care.
I have had a few rough patches here & there - many obstacles have been thrown my way I lost the friends I had mentioned earlier, I had a falling out with my love for a moment, I had a moment in my life where I was running away from my problems (or should I say flying lol) But I think I hit the ground running more often than not. Thank Goodness. I ended up quitting both my vanilla jobs last year & now take on cam full-time! A little elbow grease & determination will get you along way, boys. I think this year be the best one yet though. I've made/I'm making new friends. I have BIG plans. I have bigger dreams. I have a new found determination that has come from the two years of growth i've been doing.
Hi friends! We're back, i'm doing TERRIBLE with this blog thing... Anyways. I figured out how this blog is going to go, which is in no particular order. But I figured i'd catch everyone up on the past... 6 months of my life. So let's rewind back to July when my HS bestfriend flew into town to visit, we were staying with my boyfriend (now fiancé) of almost half a year, I went off the camming grid. I really let live-streaming slack. Which I wasn't too upset over due to the fact that I was seeing my friend after two years. Basically I was letting work slack, my friendship take over, & my relationship was falling apart very low-key.
Fast Forward to August, I find myself in a new relationship. Apartment searching. & Going through some shit with my CA best friends. Basically my then boyfriend - A total rebound was blowing all my money and making me miss work. I caught myself falling down a really dark hole, I was becoming very depressed. I finished out the Summer sleeping till 2pm & partying till 2am. I ended this month by quitting my job at the Dispensary... Biggest mistake I had ever made.
All September was spent traveling, finalizing apartment plans, & still allowing this man to walk all over me. Truthfully my soul was dying. That teenage bundle of energy was finding herself left in Miami by girls who claimed to ride with me for the past two years, having all her money spent by a man she did not care for (who tried putting her spirit down all the time), & not wanting to come home from Texas even though I was moving into my new apartment. I ended that shitty month not being able to make my full down payment (due to someone telling me they'd pay for it, then coming up short... cough) but still securing my home, which I thank my roommate a thousand times over for covering me. That shit ate my pride.
When I take this special paragraph to explain to all of you that my mama did not raise a bitch. I have ALWAYS valued my independence and strength and various characteristics that make me such a STRONG woman... I don't know if it was walking away from the love of my life and rebounding with this abusive monster or if it was just that weird moment you go through when you're 19 going on 20 or if I was just really starting to lose my mind. But I was lost. I felt degraded. I was miserable. Now, don't get me wrong - during these really hard times I did have good, fulfilling moments. My friends & family are insanely supportive. Not only that but they do incredible jobs at nursing my broken soul. I remember telling everyone I was miserable during this time, it's crazy how a person can just trash your life. I knew I needed to walk away but I was scared this person was going to hurt me. I think I was also trying to punish myself.
October rolls along & i've just about had it. I was getting back into cam, doing very well. I had another Texas trip planned, this time for about a week. I was looking for new vanilla jobs. My relationship started to strain with my roommate & I was friendless (please be careful who you take traveling with you, some people really do use you to benefit lol) I was stuck with the same rebound monster... Who was kicked out at the time then tried to move into my house but that resulted in his stuff being in my trunk for like weeks & weeks. Did I mention I was also this mans taxi? Lol. I really don't remember much from this month, except my dope ass time in Texas & truthfully debating never coming home. It was a SHITTY month. I think I cried at least once a day.
I really learned a lot about myself during this time. How I wanted to be treated & how I should treat people. How I really HATED being someone's mother figure. Someone's doormat. Punching bag. I desperately missed my real love. I missed the old me. Because that beautiful, happy girl was being torn to shreds & I am STILL recovering. That entire month was my personality being viciously attacked by someone who would tell me they worshipped me. Parts of myself that I worked years to build up were killed within months. I've been spending time rebuilding.
My fiancé has told me that I am so different since our first go around & I don't have the heart to tell him that some parts of me are still dead inside. Trying to heal. Parts that I used to admire myself for, so carefully perfected were just harassed until they existed no more. That I let this cruel person ruin the person he fell in love with. Now please don't feel too sorry for me, I am very good at the healing process. I've had to do it many times. Self love is a good practice.
November was the hardest month, it's when I finally called it quits with Mr.Rebound & found my way back to my fiancé. I had started a new job, I was breaking up & throwing out the last pieces of a toxic relationship. It was around Thanksgiving when things really went south - Basically there were a lot of threats & fear for not only my safety, but my loved ones. I was essentially putting everyone in danger & it needed to stop. The breakup process... Oh boy, that was FULL of manipulation & long, long sleepless nights. But alas, the hint was taken. Though things would not simmer down just yet.
December of 2017 was a learning lesson. Now I am not going to get into much detail due to the safety of the other persons involved but I lost my job due to an incident with my ex (which was probably for the best, my former boss was a total creep) I had a long affair with the police & courts acquiring a restraining order. I had a very bad incident with my then roomie which led to some strain on our relationship & her moving out. I almost lost my newly gained apartment. I was at my ends. I did mend things with my initial boyfriend, who is now my fiancé - December was so tough. I remember just wanting to stay home on NYE with my fiancé because use I was so tired. But very relieved. Because my hard time had come to an end, my ex had let off & I was back on my feet. Surrounded by people I loved & who supported me. I entered 2018 knowing things would be okay.
Which brings me to the present, February of 2018. Two months after all is said & done - where does that leave me? If you've read this far and think that my story is not something of real struggle to you please understand I left A LOT of what happened out, there were many people involved who I hurt. There are things I did and things that were done to me that quite frankly I never want to revisit. My life was a complete hell for months. I spent every. single. day. with someone who would berate me over the things I loved & did. It really takes a toll on your mental health - As I mentioned previously, I am still healing. If you've noticed my internet presence is a little sad that's because it is. A small fire has died in me, i'm still trying to ignite it. It'll light, but it will take some time. I find myself falling back into bad habits, feeding into my negative mental health.
The reason i'm writing this post is due to recent events i've come to realize that a part of me really is gone. That young part of me that I tried so hard to keep is just out the door. I have a new, stronger mindset yet i'm mourning over the parts i've lost. This current mood swing has been the hardest to overcome. I've spent the past three days in my house & the only human interaction i've had is my roommate + chat room. But I want to do bigger & better things, expand Alex De La Flor into different endeavors, start a brand?! Basically i'm tired of being that sexy, LA party girl - she just isn't for me. She ins't my tea. She's not the path I want to roll down. This month has been such a weird mix of accepting who I really am now & learning to love who she is.
I wanted to thank everyone, every single person who has stuck by me and supported me. I promise ya'll this is our year. 2018, baby. We started off so strong & truly, we still are. I have so much more in store for Alex, I am not letting myself fall into a pit of despair. I will heal, I will rise, I will succeed. I just ask that you all keep supporting me whether it's buying my porn, commenting kind things on my twitter, or even reading this entire blog all the way through. You are what keeps me going, you are why I keep building, you are why I want to heal.
For someone so young i've gone through some shit - i'll tell you. This was my first experience, my first "growing up" experience. I went from being 19 with no type of self control nor consideration towards anyone to being 20 & my life being completely turned inside out. Weird... Weird... I shiver at thought of reliving it all. So yeah, i've never been good at ending these things... Just know i'll be okay, if I seem off just send some love. I'm still healing. I love myself, I just have to remind myself my worth. I have very good feelings for this year. I am okay.